[alsadad]

January 2013
Immediately following the inauguration, the government shuts down all websites featuring aerial images of the lake and closes Laconia Airport to all non-military traffic. In an unlikely alliance, Skydive Laconia joins forces with Flyguy to pepper the FAA with prank calls (Is your De Havilland Canada DHC-2Beaver running? Better catch it!).

February 2013
After completely restoring the American economy in just two weeks, President Romney jets away for a well-deserved vacation. Four Secret Service agents, disguised as typical New Hampshire ice fishermen (RayBans, black overcoats, wing tips and Uzis) are rescued from the waters off of Clark Point when a sudden thaw weakens the ice. WinniDivers boasts its best winter season ever after recovering three Suburbans, two anti-aircraft missile emplacements, and Marine One from under the ice. Sensing a golden business opportunity, Bain Capital acquires a controlling interest in WinniDivers.

March 2013
Vice President Gingrich resigns after the Laconia Citizen exposes his dalliance with a waitress at the Wolfeboro Inn. The resulting publicity boosts sales beyond even George Soderberg’s wildest dreams. Sensing a golden business opportunity, Bain Capital acquires a controlling interest in the Inn.

April 1, 2013
President Romney announces his nominee to replace Gingrich – our own Bear Islander. BI promptly takes to the airwaves to propose a Constitutional Amendment that would permit camp directors nationwide to unilaterally impose no-wake zones of up to 2 miles in diameter around any waterfront camp. President Romney also announces his nomination for a vacancy on the Supreme Court – Ralph Nader. Fortunately, this all turns out to be an elaborate April Fools joke, except for the part about BI as VP and except for the part about the Constitutional Amendment. Sensing a golden business opportunity, Bain Capital acquires Camp Lawrence, Camp Nokomis, Camp Tecumseh and Camp.

May 2013
President Romney takes another well-deserved vacation on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee. In a surprising move, SBONH endorses a lake-wide no-wake zone to facilitate security precautions for the NH White House. In an equally surprising move, the “lame-stream liberals” at WINNFABS oppose the restrictions and distribute T-shirts with their new slogan: Live Free, as long as it’s under 45. Easter Seals announces the suspension of its lake-related fund raising activities, sensing that a “Poker Paddle” just won’t have the same draw. Sensing a golden business opportunity, Bain Capital…oh, never mind. Even they can’t figure out how to make money off of this.

June 2013
Waterfront property values take an enormous hit from the lake-wide no-wake zone. Or maybe values skyrocket, I’m not sure which. In either event, WINNFABS releases a statement saying, “Nyah, Nyah, we told you so.” Sensing a golden business opportunity, disgraced former Texas Governor Perry establishes a real estate firm in Wolfeboro and reminds residents that the three most important considerations in real estate are “Location, location and, uh,… I forget the other one.”

July 4, 2013
Responding to a frantic report from Clark Point of “shots fired” the CIA launches a protective drone attack. Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding concerning map coordinates, the drones destroy the Mount Washington Observatory rather than the intended target, the “Wolfeboro Fireworks Barge Sponsored by Bain Capital.”

August 2013
Espousing the virtues of bringing private sector values (CEO style) to the government, President Romney takes yet another vacation at Clark Point, where he announces plans to attend ForumFest. The Secret Service agrees only after FLL and APS agree to stay home. An unfortunate incident occurs on the boat ride to Center Harbor when, mistaking it for an Iranian aircraft carrier, a Navy escort submarine torpedoes the “Bain Capital Presents the MV Mount Washington.”

September 2013
President Romney graciously allows Bill and Hillary Clinton to use his lake home as a retreat in an attempt to rekindle their romance. Unfortunately, a recently laid-off waitress from the Bain Capital Inn at Wolfeboro saunters by in a string bikini and, well, you don’t need me to predict the rest of this little nugget. In an unrelated development, BI abruptly resigns as VP to compete on “Survivor: Governors Island.”

October 2013
October seems like a quiet month at the lake until the annual water level reduction reveals an underwater prison cell inhabited by Ron Paul, who had disappeared from public view after the Florida primary. This revelation puts the lie to the stories circulated in the press that little green men from another universe had reclaimed Ron Paul and taken him home to be the chief economic advisor to the supreme leader of the planet Latipacniab.

November 2013
Nothing happened. Really. It’s November. In NH.

December 2013
The state coffers are empty. The Governor thought the influx of tourist dollars would never end, but the month of November brought it all to a screeching halt. When the state can’t make the monthly payment, creditors repossess the White Mountains which he mortgaged to buy the Parthenon from cash-strapped Greece and to install indoor plumbing for the Governor’s Mansion. In a last ditch effort to make the state payroll, the Governor attempts to pawn Quebec, which he won in a drunken poker game with Prime Minister Harper, but no one will take it. Fearing a loss on their New Hampshire investments, Bain Capital steps in and buys Quebec, renaming it “La Belle Province Offert Par Capital du Bain.” A grateful Governor Lynch changes the state motto to “Buy low, slash jobs, sell high.”